


It Matters to Me

by Cyane



Category: Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Character Study, Child Abuse, Childhood Friends, Established Relationship, First Kiss, Howard Stark's A+ Parenting, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Sleeping Together, Timeline What Timeline, Tony Stark Has Issues, Triggers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2017-03-12
Packaged: 2018-10-03 06:19:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,279
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10237706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cyane/pseuds/Cyane
Summary: Tony doesn't like having an empty seat to his right.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I wasn't sure if I wanted to use this for this particular prompt because this isn't just another headcanon Tony quirk, it's something I go through every day. Basically, I had a really good friend who was like a brother to me, in school he _always_ sat to my right, in classes and pictures and everywhere. One day he hung himself and since then it's like a black void to my right. Yeah. It's true and it sucks, and I figured for the prompt I can mope about it vicariously through Tony. Yay...?
> 
> TW because I'm an angst whore. I don't know how graphic anything will be, but no smut... by which, I mean no graphic sex like idk if that shit's gon be implied or not sorry

His name was Trevor. 

The son of one of Howard's friends, a filthy rich teenager, and overall enjoyed nothing more than music. Trevor clung to his music like Tony clung to his engineering. 

Eventually Trevor's father struck a business deal with Howard and the two men were constantly working overseas on a project, gone for weeks at a time. Maria Stark and Trevor's mother, Janet, had also become quite close and spent days discussing their husbands' jobs and venting about social issues and economic changes.

During the time Maria and Janet spent together, Trevor was at the Stark residence and he always brought his violin with him to play while Tony silently worked on an engineering project for school:

It was... awkward, to say the least. Well, at first, anyway.

"Hi," Trevor squeaked as he walked into the workshop. 

Tony glanced up, unimpressed. "I'm working. What do you want? Why are you here?" 

Trevor frowned. "My mom... uh, Janet? She told me she'd be talking to your mom for a while and I could come up here to hang out with you, or whatever." 

Of course, Tony hadn't yet met anyone besides Jarvis who he really liked, and since the butler was away on family leave, he wasn't about to trust some kid he had never met before, just because Maria said so. _Especially_ because Maria said so. 

"Well, I'm busy, so I'm not going to be a great conversationalist," Tony grunted, turning back to his work stubbornly. He didn't care if he was being an asshole. 

Trevor looked a bit flustered at being cut short so quickly. He held up a leather violin case. "Do you mind if I practice, then? My parents hate when I practice at home, drives them mad."

Asshole or not, Tony sympathized with a guy who had parent issues, so he shrugged. "Knock yourself out."

Although Tony usually went for something more... well, loud and mind-numbing, Trevor was really good at the violin. It was mostly classical pieces, but during a certain piece with especially high notes, Trevor hit them with ease and they rang like bells. Tony actually set down the hunk of metal in his gloved hands to stare intently as Trevor's fingers flew across the violin's fingerboard. 

It had been three hours before Janet had walked up to collect her twelve-year-old son. 

"Are you practicing?" She shrieked, taking in the violin and sheet music scattered across a table. "That's bothersome, stop it now, Anthony surely doesn't want to have to listen." Trevor wilted under her gaze and hastily put together his things, packing up the reddish-brown instrument. 

Tony's glare went unnoticed by Janet, so he added, "I thought it sounded great." Janet's frustrated noise and Trevor's grin had been completely worth it. 

Afterwards the awkward silences had faded. Sometimes Trevor brought his violin along for the ride, sometimes he didn't. Eventually he had finally wandered over to Tony's workbench and asked him about engineering, and after a long and complicated scientific answer, stuck to just observing. Tony found that he actually liked the kid. 

"You're... finishing high school soon?!" Trevor had freaked out when Tony casually mentioned the fact, as though it was completely normal for a kid to be moving onto college shortly. 

Tony had grinned, unused to the attention brought along with it. He liked Trevor because he always seemed fascinated by Tony, always seemed interested and amazed, never dismissive like Howard, never patronizing like Maria. Trevor cared, and Tony was addicted to attention. 

A few months later, Trevor mentioned the piano he had seen in the main hall and Tony had accidentally let it slip that he knew how to play. Next thing he knew, they were practicing together, Tony falling back into the piano's rhythm, and to his right was the raven-haired boy, swaying to the violin's melody. They really did sound amazing together; even Janet and Maria had watched a few performances before going back to their original schedule. 

After a year of Howard being here-and-there overseas, working diligently to find Steve Rogers, he started spending more time in the house again, like he had before. It wasn't hard to spot the differences after his return; the music that had filled the house was silenced again, because Howard needed quiet. The workshop Tony had been using was quickly cleared and replaced with Howard's things. Tony closed off from everyone, a bit more, and stopped smiling so much.  
Trevor noticed. Of _course_ Trevor noticed.

"I'm thinking of playing some Vivaldi," Trevor said.

Tony grunted. "Sounds great," He mumbled, barely paying attention. Instead he was scribbling down notes to make an Artificial Intelligence, making sure that the next time he had access to the workshop, he could start actually making it. 

Trevor frowned. "Doesn't sound like it sounds great." 

There was no response, so Trevor just sat quietly for a moment, peering over Tony's right shoulder to see what he was doing. 

"...What's this?" Trevor pointed to Tony's wrist. Distinctive finger-shaped bruises dotted his arm, and were visible where Tony's hoodie-sleeve had risen while he wrote. Tony snapped his arm away, pulling down the sleeve. 

"Nothin'," He said immediately, not meeting Trevor's gaze. 

Trevor pursed his lips. "I'm not an idiot, Tony. It was Mr. Stark, wasn't it? He hurts you. I know he does, I've seen your expression when I bring him up."

Tony's lips curled back into a snarl. "What the fuck do you know about it?" He snapped defensively. "It's not like your home life is great, either! You've got unsupportive parents, guess what, loads of people do, and so do I. Big surprise. And we fucking deal with it."

"Do you expect me to sit back, know that I know what's going on, and do nothing?" Trevor said angrily. "I'm _worried_ about you, Tony!"

Before Tony could make another scathing remark, Maria walked in, looking pale. "Trevor, dear, your mother is here to pick you up. Anthony, your father wants to see you in his study."

Ah, the study. Looks like Howard was in a bad mood.

Tony just shrugged when Trevor sent him an anxious look. But the raven-haired boy was too scared of Howard himself to do anything, and let Maria escort him out, giving Tony a brief hug before he left. 

Tony trudged up to Howard's study, exhausted. He knew that it wasn't right for his dad to hurt him. But the world was full of things that weren't 'right', and so far, he was just a teenage kid who dealt with that the world gave him. Because he was a Stark, and he had iron in his backbone and he had steel in his heart and _of course he wouldn't cry, never cry_. 

When Trevor came by two days later, he took one look at Tony's shiner before crying into Tony's shirt. 

Yeah, they had good days and bad days and moments where they both keeled over laughing, moments when they just cried together or ranted about how fucking stupid the world was. They tried to play duets together as often as they could, Trevor teaching Tony more in music theory and Tony giving explanations of molecular formulas. (Trevor had a bit of a hard time keeping up, but he did his best.)

Everything was going well, which was why Tony probably should've seen it coming. 

It had been a rainy Thursday, a holiday, and Maria and Howard were out for a two-day gala in Tokyo while Jarvis was staying with his wife through her medical treatment, although he could be there in just one call for emergencies. 

It was just Trevor and Tony, post-music practice, sitting on the staircase together. Maybe Tony should've sensed the change in the atmosphere, but it wasn't until Trevor took a moment too long staring at his lips that Tony realized what was happening. 

...Or maybe it wasn't until Trevor's lips were on his own that he realized what was happening. 

It was only a second before Tony was pushing his lips towards Trevor's as well, completely inexperienced and unsure but also completely sure that this was what was right. This was right. _This_ wasn't angry or bruising or disappointed, this was love and Tony hadn't experienced it from anyone except for Jarvis until then. 

"Howard'll kill me if he finds out," Tony gasped, feeling exhilarated as Trevor pushed him against the floor and shut him up with another kiss. 

"Mr. Stark doesn't need to know," Trevor reasoned, his voice husky and deep and something completely difference to the curious innocence he usually shed. 

Tony figured he was correct. Who was going to tell Howard a thing?

The next morning Tony woke up in his own bed, pressed up against Trevor. Fortunately not naked, not covered in other bodily fluids, but they had definitely fallen asleep together, definitely had a heavy make-out session, and going from the bite marks Tony would later find on his hipbone, there had been a bit more than making-out going on.

"Morning," Trevor said.

"We planning on forgetting anything happened or secretly continuing this scandalous behavior?" Tony deadpanned flirtatiously. Trevor laughed. 

"I don't see why we should forget. I don't want to forget."

Tony smiled. A real smile. Nervous, because Howard would definitely kill him if he found out his son liked guys. But a real smile nonetheless. 

One night turned into two, then three, and soon it was just a thing they did. If they had a few days to themselves, they'd sneak off and end up waking up in the same spot. Whenever they were alone, friendly chats turned into deep conversations or someone getting pushed up against a wall. 

Honestly, it was thrilling. 

Of course there were still rocky days, when they fought because Tony had been an asshole, or Trevor had been insensitive, or Trevor had noticed other unexplained injuries and bruises and Tony would have to make up a bullshit excuse when they both knew it was Howard. Sometimes it was sorted out with physical love, sometimes it had to be sorted out through talking through it and explaining and-

"I love you," Trevor had whispered.

Tony blushed nervously. "I think I'm in love with you, as well..."

Dear lord, Tony Stark was in love. Trevor was too good for this Earth, too patient, too kind, too loving to love someone like Tony. But, unfortunately for life, Tony found out that he didn't actually give a shit because he knew Trevor loved him and Trevor was the second person in Tony's life, so far, to love him. 

Tony was addicted to love.

And then Trevor hung himself. 

Not like hands on Tony's throat, strangling him- it was like getting shot. Unexpected. Jolting. Shocking. He still didn't believe it. Trevor had killed himself. He had known Trevor for years and years, one and a half years of those filled with secret romance. Everything had seemed perfect.

Tony cursed Janet for holding the funeral so soon after the suicide. She and her husband had been sad, yes, but they never really cared about Trevor. Not like Tony had. They discouraged his music, they left him at the Stark's home for weeks on end, they forgot they even had a son, sometimes. Like a pet they constantly left at a groomer, and never came back for it. 

He had been forced to remain silent during the funeral; not even tears were allowed by Howard. He wasn't sure if he would be able to cry, either way. He was still too shocked to feel anything but surprise. 

Trevor was _dead_. 

There would be no more violin music to his right, no more cuddling or falling asleep together, forbidden kissing and joking around. He had nobody to explain engineering with anymore, nobody to worry about what Howard did to him anymore, no more attention. No more friends. He'd go off to MIT soon, alone once again. 

Trevor's funeral was a waste. His parents were still 'too in grief to say anything', and the only people who spoke about Trevor was one of his distant Aunts he'd never met and a cousin who had bullied him because of his violin. Janet specifically made sure Tony wouldn't be able to say anything- made it clear with Howard that Tony was to remain silent and not speak unless spoken to. She was just worried Tony would tell people that she never loved her son. 

Closed casket. The last memory Tony had of his best friend- of his secret _boyfriend_ \- was of Trevor pressing his lips to Tony's temple before seeking out of his room. Tony wished he knew why he'd done it. 

Everything had been so perfect.

They had been happy.

At the end of the funeral, he caught something Janet whispered to his mother, though:

"Just a few days ago, we threw out that old violin. He kept playing and playing and playing, and I thought I'd scream if I heard another note. We tossed it and Trevor screamed bloody murder for the next afternoon. I had no idea it'd lead him to _this_ extreme, though. He's always been sensitive."

Sensitive. 

His parents never cared about him, all he had was music, then he finds one friend he isn't allowed to be with, his parents smash his prized instrument that kept him going, and they think he's being sensitive? Music was everything to Trevor. Music was something he latched onto like a tether. 

"You killed him," Tony snarled, and finally let the tears fall. He didn't care what Howard said. He didn't care what his father would do. Trevor was gone and nothing mattered. "You're the fucking reason he's gone-"

Janet looked murderous (ironically), and Howard immediately turned to his son, face a shade of purple. Maria looked horrified. "Anthony!" She screeched. Tony didn't stop glaring at Janet, though, not even as Howard snatched his wrist and dragged him to a back room without paparazzi. Tony just cried and cried and cried for his friend as Howard snapped his wrist and kept slapping his face to get him to be silent. 

To stop crying, which wasn't going to happen anytime soon. 

Days later, there was no raven-haired boy to play the violin and fuss over Tony's bruised face, or his broken wrist from 'falling down the stairs'. There were no kisses or comforting words. Jarvis was back, but Jarvis was used to it and he silently hugged Tony and cleaned him up--

But there were no words of 'we have to get you out' or 'this has to stop'. Trevor had always thought Tony could escape this life, but Jarvis knew it would be with him until Howard died. It felt like the hope had left with Trevor. 

Even worse, Tony continued talking to Trevor, months after he had died. 

Tony started flattening out the sheet of metal. "You know, I'm game for any Bach you have lying aro-" he looked to his right. No raven-hair, no clear blue eyes, no violin, no music. No Trevor. There was just the empty seat where he had once sat, peering over Tony's shoulder to see what he was building.

He set down the wrench and prayed that Trevor would walk up from behind and embrace him. God knew he needed it more than ever. But no warm hands came, and Tony was left shivering in the workshop.

Years passed. MIT flew by, Tony met Rhodey. Rhodey was amazing, the next light in Tony's life, keeping him going. (Still, not like Trevor, but really, nobody was.) Obadiah became close to Tony, sometimes too close than comfortable, but Tony figured it was normal and he'd just deal with it. Jarvis died, and Tony _did_ give a long speech at that funeral, keeping it positive and all about Jarvis's amazing achievements because the rest of the Jarvis family was there. They came up afterwards and gave him long hugs.

Maria and Howard died in a car crash. Tony felt like he probably should've felt more sad then he actually did. He felt a pang because of Maria, but guiltily relieved that Howard was out of his life and he no longer had to hide bruises given to him by anyone but Obadiah. 

(Obadiah made him speak at their funerals, too, but it sounded forced and fake. The press held onto that for a good month until Obi passed it off as shock.)

Tony had long since burned the seat to his right. It became another quirk he dealt with. Add it to the list: no like being handed things, no empty seats to the right... and Pepper Potts was a goddess who made it all work. Pepper was an angel who was so different than Trevor, but also... very similar. In the fact that she was always concerned and nervous and headstrong and- just, beautiful.  
But Tony was gay, which was another problem easily solved by paying whoever wanted him to say they'd had sex while they got to live in his mansion for a night and he got to finish up projects in the workshop.

He went through Afghanistan. He lost the companion to his right, once again. He woke up with nightmares of Yinsen and Trevor dying in the sand, only Trevor was choking. He woke up with nightmares of waterboarding and the dark, which turned into Obadiah, which turned into wormholes, which turned into Aldrich Killian and Extrimis and dropping Pepper and getting killed by Rhodey and-

"Hey, wake up, Tony. It's okay, it's okay, you're okay. It's just a nightmare."

And Tony shot forward, a scream on his lips, feeling his lungs constrict painfully as he took in the new environment: his bedroom. Next to him was Steve Rogers. If Howard knew his son was Captain America's boyfriend, he'd be rolling and screaming in his grave. 

Tony curled into Steve and let out a relieved, contented sigh. Steve was on the left. Steve wasn't on the right because he wasn't Trevor, but Tony liked that because he loved Steve because he was Steve. 

"You alright?" Steve asked quietly, threading his hands through Tony's hair. Tony let out a 'hmm'. 

"I love you," Tony murmured. "I love everything about you."

Steve paused. "I love you, too, Tony." It was so genuine. 

"Don't ever leave me, alright? Or... tell me before you do."

That made the super-soldier freeze and look down at him in surprise. "Tony, I'm not leaving you. I'm right here and I'm staying right here."

Tony grabbed fists of Steve's shirt and nuzzled into his chest. "But, let's say you were going to leave. Planning on it. You'd tell be before you did, right? You... you wouldn't just leave without saying anything."

Steve let out a breath. "I'm not leaving. But if, for some strange reason, I had to- of course I would tell you first. Even if I had to leave, I would always come back. You do know that, don't you? I love you and I'm not planning on abandoning a teammate, a friend, and a boyfriend. You're perfect to me."

It was two in the morning and Steve was only half-awake, but so was Tony, and it sounded like singing. 

"Do you know how to play the violin?" Tony asked sleepily.

"I've always been more into painting, rather than music. Keeps me going, sort of like how you like building things." Tony felt a smile grow on his lips. "Well, I'll make sure nobody takes that away from you, then."

Tony fell back into a dreamless sleep, that night. No nightmares.

He swore he heard Trevor's voice in his sleep, _"Be at peace, Tony,"_

And he was.


End file.
